1. Two wrongs don't make a right... but they do make a funny story.

2. A watched pot never boils... unless you're not watching it. Then it boils over instantly.

3. They say Two heads are better than one. But sometimes one head is enough, especially if the other one keeps suggesting bad ideas.

4. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So... (awkward silence)

5. The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless the sword is really, really sharp. Then it's more of a tie.